Ghosts

Hello all of my faithful readers . . . which essentially is my immediate family minus my mother, one brother and my drunk illiterate uncle. Is he even an uncle? All he is doing is eating all of our steak and ruining everyone's lives. I stole that. Well, being that the orb that rests atop my spinal stem is a landfill of marginally useless information, I think I will continue on the TV theme that I wasted decent folks time with a few days ago.

GHOST SHOWS: I am now officially irritated with "Ghost Shows". They are all over the TV dial: Ghost Hunters, Ghost Adventures, Paranormal State, Ghost Travels...and in college I drove a pile of shit primer grey 1987 Jeep Cherokee which was dubbled "THE GREY GHOST" .... flush with a falling interior ceiling that was held in place with nails, bubble gum and fingernails. At any rate, I am really tired of the ghost shows. At first I was frustrated with the show itself for teasing me week in and week out with previews and trailers depicting folks getting the plop scared out of them. I was mad that they were dangling that carrot in front of my like I used to do to my gimp with the Golden Grahams. You never see a damn thing...it is the same thing every time....a noise....a shadow...a a drafty room. Boo. Ahhh.

"Did you feel that???? Oh WOW!", says the portly lump of a man with a hoop earring and some kind of A/C Delco Battery retro-fitted to detect ghosts. "OOOOHHHHHHHH, it got cold in here. I feel a dark presence. We are not alone. Ahhhhhhhhh!"

CUT TO COMMERCIAL.

Fuck off. I'm tired of never seeing a damn thing. All they do is gather a bunch of data, hook it up to some kind of computer with 9 screens and then analyze the "ghost" of what is really a gravy stain on the monitor from said portly earring man and his 20 piece nugget meal. I wonder if the ghosts know exactly how much money they could provide for their still living family if they just went into negotiations. 400k for 2 seasons worth of spooky encounters and perhaps a skull smashing or two. What the hell else are the spirits doing? Take of advantage of your dead lifeless aura. 

I give credit to the editors, they do a good job of baiting the hook. I don't know why I continue to tune in, I know fully well what is going to happen. Perhaps I'll boycott and cheat on the ghost shows with Dog The Bounty Hunter or do laundry.

I am the fool. And if I were a ghost, I'd be a ghoul.

And with that pathetic last line, I go.

Suck it, ghosts.

Tyler

Jury Duty

Hello, world. It's been a while. Welcome to the new blog...the old space was getting way too crowded . . . quarters so tight I could write, spell check and trim my toenails all at once. As I get more better at computer things, I will update this site with fancy pictures and graphics and things. Well, I suppose it depends on if the internet is still a fad when I get better at computer decorations. At any rate, sit still and shut your mouth. There are plenty of fun places to go on the cyber space to see things . . . just plug your computer into the hole where the phone goes and turn off your call waiting. Be patient. They say patience is a virtue . . . I say I never liked that saying. That is like saying patience is a throw pillow . . . no, its a lighting fixture.

I've had this weird thing going on lately: I fall asleep around 1030 and saw solid logs for about an 5 hours or so, then the mill shuts down and Tyler the Sawyer wakes up bright-eyed and bushy haired around 3-4 am. Not much to do at this time...lots and lots and lots of infomercials. I try to read but the barnacles that have formed in the corners of my eyes make it difficult. Sometimes I'll have a bowl of cereal, but the last time I tried that I was still in some kind of a coma or something and poured Diet Coke on my Corn Flakes instead of milk. It was weird, what with the carbonated bubbles and my withdrawal symptoms from the Opium. Not very interesting. 

Moving along, I was flipping through the channels and there was nothing on until I noticed something called "Celebrity Jury" or something like that. Now, other than Cheater's and the Train Wreck known as Celebrity Rehab, I am not a big reality TV show guy fan. But for some reason I just wanted to check this out. Well, I lie. There were 3 solid reasons for me to check it out: 1) it has the word "celebrity" in it, which automatically has one ingredient for a chuckle. 2) it was on the WB, or the IW, or whatever that 3rd world channel is that thrives on reruns of Fresh Prince and Hanging with Mr. someone. 3) its on a 3am. 

So, its the normal "court" show of some down and out hag who is trying to get her 91 Mercury Capri and her Play Station back from her dead beat boyfriend who lives with his mom and has a nose ring. All nonsense. Very trashy with a hint of slime. The kind of show that makes you want to pierce your eye with a rusty coat hanger. However, the astounding part was 2/3 of the celebrity jury. One was the lady who played Carla on Cheer's, Rhea Pearlman. The other was Shirley Maclaine. The other was one of the spares from Queer Eye. Now, as it makes perfect sense that the Queer Eye guy is on this show, dude, Rhea Pearlman and Shirley Maclaine???? Maclaine is a legend and Pearlman is forever institutionalized in Cheer's lore. Whatthefuck? Are things that bad in Hollywood that they are taking gigs on a wheels-off "jury" reality show playing in the CW at 3am? WOW. I don't get. I could see participants being Kato Kaelin, one of the Corey's or Anna Nicole if she wasn't dead and everything, but it just blew me back . . . all the way back into the kitchen for another cold slice of day-old pizza.

On other news, my peepee is the color of Skywalker's Lightsabre...its almost nuclear. I think that means my vitamins are either way up or way down. I hope its good or I might die.

GO WORLD!

Tyler