Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The Furnace

Hello World.

I’ve been off the blog train for a while. In fact, I think this is my first trip in 2010. If this were a real train I would be writing this from either the bar car or from the train platform as the train departs the station without me, because I was at the bar in the train station . . . or on the can. Maybe I ate some Indian food or one of those new Double Down vegan sandwiches from KFC that are all the rage, and my stomach rejected it like those first 17 girls I invited to Prom. Perhaps I got kicked off the train for hitting on the conductor. Who knows, maybe my family tricked me with a fake ticket . . . all very possible. At any rate, it’s good to be back. How are you? The family? Did she make parole?

So, early this morning I was cooking up some oatmeal, toast and meth to kick off the day and my phone went off. It wasn’t one of those voicemail messages or a text message, but a comment from someone on the Facebooks. I don’t remember what the comment was or what the comment was commenting on or who or what and when it was initiated or why it was in existence, but I do recall that the comment was something really interesting and kickass, like “We loved it, but don’t go to the late show, Grant got really grumpy. BTW, does anyone know of a great fence builder who can work with mid-grade mulch? And I’m a HUGE fan of being a mommy!”

Since I don’t have any idea what this conversation is about, here are my observations:

1. Sorry about Grant. You shouldn’t take him out that late. Furthermore, Grant is not that tired, he is just pissed off at you that he has crappy social skills and no friends because you home school the poor lad and his playground is a Bed Bath & Beyond and his best friend is a blanket.
2. Fence builder: GOOGLE: reputable fence builders in Levelland (or your hometown)
3. Boycott mulch. Look into coal or broken glass.
4. I’m a huge fan of Whataburger.

I kid. We’re having fun here. People are free to write whatever they want on the Facebooks. I’m sure many people wish I would just shut up and go drink some Drano thru a turkey baster. I just wish for once I could read something honest like, “tried the Reebok Easy Tone with balance ball technology . . . still have a fatass. Heading to the store to get a bag of Bugles and a Mr. Pibb. Maybe 3.”

So, long story long. After little thought or debate, I decided to do a little house cleaning of friends this morning . . . and caught myself talking out loud to absolutely nobody, just making comments as I sent some of the annoying one’s into the Facebook furnace:

- “I don’t think you are real, nobody can actually live a life that boring every day and feel the urge to talk about it.” DELETE
- “plenty of room for you to pray in the Facebook furnace” DELETE
- “you inspirational quotes make me want to go huff propane” DELETE
- “I don’t even know who the hell you are” DELETE
- “OK, you workout. A LOT. There is an elyptical machine waiting for you in the furnace” DELETE
- “My fault, my fault. You were annoying then and are even more annoying now and I gave you the benefit of the doubt. Marriage and kids hasn’t helped. My fault.” DELETE
- “Depressed much????????” DELETE
- “Take your Farmville to the fiery furnaces and look for the magic egg under the raging inferno.” DELETE
- “I don’t care that you just “checked into” Chipotle. Go away.” DELETE
- “That picture of an airplane wing you posted tells me you are really gonna tear shit up on your trip to Houston.” DELETE
- “So, what the fuck are you mourning today?” DELETE

There are more dumb little quotes but I am tired of typing.

Once again, I apologize for once again polluting the world with this nonsense.

Just put some Neosporin on it.

GO WORLD!

Tyler