Nobody likes the feeling that comes when you open a present that completely sucks and everyone is looking at you. So, here are nine tactics designed to soften the blow and divert attention when you you open a present that you hate this holiday season.
1) Drop your pants and show everyone the rash.
2) Single out one specific thing on the crappy gift and just talk. Example: "Look at those pleats. Wow. I mean, just look at those pleats. Crisp, clean lines. And three per leg. Wow. Wow. Those really are nice pleats. Look everyone, pleats."
3) Immediately relapse from 8-years off the meth and return to compulsive hair-pulling.
4) Distract attention from the current shitty present by taking the other gift you got that sucks, proceed to light it on fire and throw it at the curtains.
5) Bring up the time you caught mom and dad humping in the wood-paneled station wagon on the Disney World trip.
6) Pout about your lazy eye.
7) Go to your happy place in your mind: Pancho's Mexican Buffet...raise the flag for more flautas, muster a smile and utter the phrase, "I need a braided belt. Thank you." - Then head for the kitchen and mainline Jack Daniels.
8) Select an appropriate bodily function and lose complete control of it.
9) Kick the dog.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND MERRY CUTTING!
Tyler
1 comment:
Nice work, 7/9 on the chuckle scale, 1/9 on the lol-scale (which is impressive).
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