Tanning

To World:

I got an email the other day that went something like this:

To Tyler: Your blog is lame. Stop wasting peoples time. You're not funny.

To Angry Reader: I understand, and you're right. Seriously. This dumb blog is more of an outlet to get my thoughts rolling before I start concepting and writing for my real job, which produces even stinkier plop. But in an effort to curb your anger, I encourage you to no longer click this link, www.tylersouthouse.blogspot.com, and to also stop rubbing my knee under the table. I've also taken the liberty of removing the "T" and "Y" keys from your keyboard. No more garbage for you!   Done and done.

 - - - -

I was actually stoked to get that . . . it is proof that a set of eyes that do not belong to me actually have looked at this pile of shit I call a blog.

Moving along. I was reading the Austin American Statesman this morning on the internets, and as I was skimming the headlines, something caught my eye: "Bill: Teens would need note for tanning bed. Texans under 18 would not be allowed to use tanning beds unless they have a doctors permission and a parent present." www.statesman.com.

I think this is a great idea. Too often I see people rockin' that nuclear shade of orange in the dead of winter. It always makes me think of orange jello that been sitting in the fridge and jiggles slightly when you open the door to the fridge . . . and makes me wonder what kind of confused lava dance ritual that person's skins cells are doing under the first layer of epidermis after being fried inside a florescent coffin. Couple that with blinding blonde hair from from a cardboard box of bleach and you've got the makings for gold. GOLD Jerry, gold. And skin cancer. Add in some dark roots and you've got the makings for something very special. I suppose it is worse here in Chicago where the opportunity for catching rays is significantly less than in my beloved Austin . . . but tanning is not limited to a single place. I think 18 is a good idea. I frown when I see a girl get on the train using her Chicago Public Schools bus pass and she looks like a cross between a nectarine and an old saddle. Wait until you're 18 and then you can go lie under the heatlamp for as long as you like. I knew a girl in high school who, sadly, was referred to as "Nug" . . . a nickname for a nickname, meaning "Chicken McNugget", because she was only 17 an already a leathery mess. I saw the new Indian Jones last year and his bullwhip reminded me of her.

So, I support this idea. In addition to this bill, I also think that anyone with tribal art or frosted tips should also have to go through an intense screening process before being allowed to procreate. Same goes for every "Rock of Love Bus" participant. 

I take that back. That bus should just be driven into an erupting volcano at high speed with a full tank of gas.

Happy Saint Patricks Day!!!!

Tyler