The Greatest Day In The History Of The World

Today grown men will get enormous gadget erections and soccer moms will claw and fight their way to the front of the line like a drunk at dollar beer night. Babies will be abandoned, children will be abused and some guy will probably kill himself.

Hello new iPhone. Welcome to human world.

I do not own an iPhone. I don’t say that to be anti-iPhone or to make a point, I have no point . . . I say it because I simply don’t have one. I don’t do the Foursquare or participate in the Twitters. And I have no idea what I would do with an app that tells everyone how many miles I ran and how kickass my pace was or what I shot on the golf course. Thus, this essay has no merit and even less substance. I am actually more qualified to write about the desalinization of seawater than I am about the iPhone and apps. So you’re better off reading the back of a shampoo bottle than anything posted on this dumb blog.

From the moment I woke up this morning in a puddle of my own filth and said hello to the world, the first three things I saw or read had to do with a telephone. A telephone. A TELEPHONE. Turned on the news, iPhone. Opened the Chicago Tribune, iPhone. Got online, iPhone.

We have an oil well that is gushing oil like a bum regurgitating last nights Mad Dog 20/20 . . . one that is absolutely out of control and destroying an entire way of life for hundreds of thousands of people and killing wildlife. I meant the oil is killing everything, not the bum. The bum is just drunk and needs a bus ticket to Indianapolis. We have like 48 wars going on. The general in charge of the war in Afghanistan was replaced. North Korea is starving and going off the deep end while its leader drinks cognac and wears giant glasses and dictates in a jumpsuit. Someone started a wildfire in Arizona that is burning down trees and eating all the steak . . . and grandma broke her coccyx riding 4-wheelers in the dunes with her girlfriend. The south side of Chicago had 52 shootings last weekend and 40-something on Monday, the majority as a result of gang violence . . . and every one of the victims gets the same eulogy, “He was a good, smart kid . . . He was an entrepreneur and was just starting to turn his life around. He was gonna go to college and start a record label. He loved the White Sox. He would never hurt anyone, even though he has been arrested 46 times and was only 19. He was turning things around.”

There is also a huge unemployment problem, Detroit is demolishing their own city, my meth lab blew up and the Cubs suck.

So with all of these issues and many many many more, it makes perfect sense that the news of the day, and perhaps the week, is the new iPhone. A glorified telephone. A friend. A companion. A lover. Didn’t we just play this game like a week ago with the new iPad?

I don’t get it. I mean, I get it. It’s a neat gadget with cool things and stuff. But I don’t get it. It’s a phone. And because Apple has everyone by the balls, this same scenario will play over and over and over and over.

SIDE NOTE: Haha! I just saw a guy walk by picking his nose, I mean he was really digging, knuckle deep. Then, just as he withdrew said finger from his boogar cave and began rolling his treasure between index finger and thumb, we made eye contact. The look on his face was priceless. He looked like he had just gotten caught playing pocket pool. Wish I had a picture. Maybe he was on his way to get a new iPhone.

Anyway, I lost my train of thought. I’m still thinking about the snot prospector. I don’t know what else I was going to write, but by the looks of some of the men I saw on the news camping out for the new iPhone, the closest they will ever get to touching a ( . )( . ) is with a porn app for their new iPhone.

Gotta go, stocking up on trailmix and water . . . camping out the next 4 days for the new Segway.