The Legend of Ray

Happy New Year. How are you? How was the break? I enjoyed the festivities of the holiday very much. My family is great and I got to see new strip malls in Dallas. The traveling side of things was a bit frustrating. Being smart and things, I decided it was a good idea to fly on a buddy pass during the holidays. Bad idea. Upon my connecting flight to Chicago on my return, Midway was shutdown so I was stuck in Tulsa, Oklahoma. It had been a long day already, so at this point I had little energy and nothing but the clothes on my back and a pair of boxer shorts riding very high. After locating a hotel near the airport, I went to check-in. Below you will find an accurate depiction of the events that occurred from the time I arrived at the hotel to the time I left. It was odd. Very odd. On top of the inconvenience of being laid up in the home town of the rock band 'Hanson' of Umm Bop fame, I was greeted at the hotel by a very flamboyant gentleman named Ray who was extremely concerned about my diet and overall daily caloric intake. 

8:14 pm: I check into the Tulsa Airport Holiday Inn. 

Ray: "Hello. I am Ray. (looks at my distressed passenger itinerary) Oh, I'm so sorry about your flight, sir. I mean Mr. Kirk. Unfortunately, our kitchen is closed for the holidays . . . but as you can see we have quite a fruitful and delectable selection of goodies and even a few trinkets like playing cards and Sudoku puzzles (waves hand over display case in a Price Is Right 'Barker Beauty' sort of way) ...even though I just don't understand it. What is Sudoku, some kind of Chinese crossword? Shhhhhh, I shouldn't say that."

Ty: "OK. Thanks. I'll probably just order something. What room, 228?"

Ray: "Are you sure, Mr. Kirk. It's been a long day, I'm sure. You look parched. Weak."

Ty: "No. I'm just tired as hell."

Ray: "Oh, bless your heart. You should eat something."

Ty: "Thank you, Raymond."

Ray: "OK. Ooh, it looks like it's going to rain. I just love storms."

Ty: "Goodbye Ray."

8:24 pm: Inside hotel room. Phone rings. *Ring Ring*.

Ty: "Hello."

Ray: "Oh, hi Mr. Kirk. This is Ray at the front desk. How is everything? Getting settled OK?"

Ty: "Great. Thanks."

Ray: "OK, because I wanted to tell you that I just talked to my friend Steven across the street at the Embassy Suites, and the dining room is open. So, you know, you could go over there to eat. It is very pleasant."

Ty: "Sounds good."

Ray: "Shall I call over and let them know you're coming?"

Ty: "No."

Ray: "OK. Well, it's there if you need it. It's great. And Steven is working and everything, so he will make sure you get everything you need."

Ty: "Alright."

Ray: "I'd also be more than happy to go through our concierge service and with you. We have it all on the computer here. You can come down and take a look."

Ty: "That's OK."

Ray: "Well. OK then. Call if you need anything. I'll be here."

Ty: "Goodbye, Ray." Click.

8:39 pm: Inside hotel room watching Cheaters and the Great Joey Greko. Phone rings. *Ring Ring*.

Ty: "Hello."

Ray: "Hello, Mr. Kirk? This is Ray at the front desk."

Ty: "Yes Raymond."

Ray: "I wanted to tell you we also have a collection of takeout menus from local eateries. It is mostly Chinese and pizza, but a very nice selection, if I do say so myself."

Ty: "OK. I'm good, but thanks."

Ray: "Shall I send them up?"

Ty: "No."

Ray: "OK. And just a reminder that we have lots of snacks in the lobby and there are also vending machines next to the ice machine in the stairwell."

Ty: "OK. Thanks."

Ray: "Is there anything else you need?"

Ty: "I didn't need this, Ray."

Ray: "I see. Well, just wanted to make sure you know there are many options for food and nourishment. You can also take a taxi to the Chili's or the Mexican place."

Ty: "I appreciate it Raymond. But I just ate the bar of complimentary soap, so I am good."

Ray: "The soap, you what? What?"

Ty: "Goodbye, Ray."

8:51 pm: Phone rings. *Ring Ring*. I do not asnwer.

9:05 pm: Phone rings. *Ring Ring*. I do not answer.

9:19 pm: Knock on the door. A pause. Another knock. Phone rings. *Ring Ring*.  A stack of menus is slipped under my door.

9:25 pm: Phone rings. *Ring Ring*. I do not answer.

9:28 pm: I go over my list of enemies.

9: 31 pm: I order a pizza.

9:41 pm: Phone rings. *Ring ring.* I do not answer. Red message light flashes. I don't check it. 

9:44 pm: Phone rings. *Ring Ring*. I do not answer.

9:49 pm: I make use of the Holy Bible in the bedside stand. 

9:50 pm: I become frightened . . . I wipe down everything in the room with sanitary napkins and Fabreze. I burn the bedding in the bathtub and make Holy Water.

10:10 pm: Pizza arrives.

Pizza Man: "What's up with the desk guy?"

Ty: "What do you mean?"

Pizza Man: "He was all weird, wanted to bring this up here instead of me."

Ty: "Did he get anywhere near this pie?"

Pizza Man: "No."

Ty: "Promise?"

Pizza Man: "Yes."

Ty: "Seriously dude. He didn't touch it? Was he wearing lipstick?"

Pizza Man: "No, you're good. Have a good night."

10:39 pm: Phone rings. *Ring Ring*. I do not answer.

11:01 pm: Phone rings. *Ring Ring*. I do not answer.

11:02 pm: I make certain room is double bolted and the chain is secure.

11:03 pm: I move entertainment center in front of door.

11:04 pm: I tie sheets together in case the need for a quick escape from the 2nd floor arises. 

11:07 pm: I take down shower curtain and make a spear, sharpening it one end with various television parts.

11:17: I concoct a sort of home made mace...a mixture of complimentary mouthwash, shampoo and crushed red pepper.

11:26: pm: Go to sleep fully clothed.

11:32 pm: Phone rings. *Ring Ring*. I do not answer.

6:00 am: I awake. Leave through sheet escape and sprint to airport.

11:30 am: I arrive in Chicago. My bags do not arrive in Chicago.

Two Days Later pm: My bags arrive at Midway. Since I flew on a buddy pass the airline will not deliver them.

THE END.