Some lady squeezed out bonus 8 kids in California. Have fun with that. I defeated Scurvy once again and Anna Nicole's Show is still on hiatus.
Moving along . . . I was asked to write a character reference recently for a friend. And I use the term "friend" very loosely. Not because I don't like this person, I like him fine. I say that because I have only known this person - who I shall call "Leonard" - a few months through acquaintances. I really don't know him that well and am still puzzled as to why I was the one he asked to write this letter. Having said that, I have come to learn that Leonard, although relatively harmless and a thoughtful individual, is not the brightest bulb in the bunch. The only times I have met him are when I meet up with some friends for college football or happy hour, so I know him through them. But he has always been nice to me so I am going to do my best to draft some sort of letter on his behalf.
Here are a few things I do know about Leonard: no high school diploma, jail time, multiple DUIs, drug charges, unemployed, lack of stable employment, lack of stable apartment, potty mouth, smoker, poor personal hygiene, warrants for his arrest, no bank account, drinking problem, pot smoker, loud, obnoxious, often forgets his wallet.
Knowing this handful of personality traits, I will do my best to draft a letter for Leonard while at the same time being completely honest. Here we go:
Dear Sir or Madam,
My name is Tyler Kirk. I am a copywriter at an advertising agency here in Chicago. I am happy to write a character reference for Leonard McConnaghey. I have known Leonard for a few months and think he is a really good guy. He has always been very nice and is really nice and friendly and things. I have met up with him on three or four occasions at local watering holes in the Chicago area and he is always good for a laugh, many a fist bump and an absurd amount of high-fives.
In regards to Leonard's character, I would say he consistently portrays many of the traits of a solid individual. For example:
- SELF STARTER: Leonard is always up for beers and is often the first one at the bar getting a head start on the evening. Sometimes hours before the appropriately alloted time.
- RELIABLE: he will be at the bar when he says he will and, like clockwork, will consistently blackout and call a stranger a "dickface", sometimes throwing a bowl of popcorn at a neighboring table.
- PASSIONATE: Leonard can sing the lyrics to every Motorhead and Asia song. Leonard also has collected a large amount of Camel Cash and has the Joe Camel lighter to prove it.
- THINKS OF OTHERS: Leonard will drink all day and then offer to drive you home.
- RESOURCEFUL: Leonard has a knack for forgetting his wallet, yet still drinks the night away on someone elses dime.
- CULTURED: Leonard spent 18 months in the Cook County Jail and speaks fluent English.
- HONEST: Leonard has had 3 DUIs and will tell you all about them...including but not limited to the time he drove to Wisconsin to watch the sun rise and drove his station wagon into Lake Michigan. He also tried to "borrow" a pizza delivery man's car once. Again, he will tell you all about it. Over a beer. Over and over again.
- GOAL ORIENTED: Leonard is going to start a record label.
- CREATIVE: Leonard has the ability to fabricate any story into a 3-hour trilogy, complete with piss breaks. Many times the story lacks the appropriate "arc" format, but he makes up for it by creating 4 alternative endings to one story. In one sitting.
- ORGANIZED: Leonard has 4 compartments in his velcro wallet for storage of anything from numbers and business cards to half-smoken cigarettes and packets of Equal.
- DRIVEN: Leonard is determined to be dead by 2012.
If you have any further inquiries regarding Leonard, please don't hesitate to ask. I am happy to help.
Best -
Tyler Kirk
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