Times Up, Delores. You're Out.

This is the greatest obituary in the world. I get sick when I read about some kid who recently was killed who was in a gang, had been arrested 40 times for theft, attempted murder, drugs and the like . . . get written up with something like: "he was a great kid. He was turning things around and wanted to go to college. He would never hurt anyone . . . "

No, he was a real dick who terrorized his neighborhood and robbed old people and had neck tattoos and kicked dogs.

So, I found this was quite refreshing:

Dolores Aguilar, born in 1929 in New Mexico, left us on August 7, 2008. She will be met in the afterlife by her husband, Raymond, her son, Paul Jr., and daughter, Ruby.

She is survived by her daughters Marietta, Mitzi, Stella, Beatrice, Virginia and Ramona, and son Billy; grandchildren, Donnelle, Joe, Mitzie, Maria, Mario, Marty, Tynette, Tania, Leta, Alexandria, Tommy, Billy, Mathew, Raymond, Kenny, Javier, Lisa, Ashlie and Michael; great-grandchildren, Brendan, Joseph, Karissa, Jacob, Delaney, Shawn, Cienna, Bailey, Christian, Andre Jr., Andrea, Keith, Saeed, Nujaymah, Salma, Merissa, Emily, Jayci, Isabella, Samantha and Emily. I apologize if I missed anyone.

Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life. I speak for the majority of her family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few tears will be shed and there will be no lamenting over her passing.

Her family will remember Dolores and amongst ourselves we will remember her in our own way, which were mostly sad and troubling times throughout the years. We may have some fond memories of her and perhaps we will think of those times too. But I truly believe at the end of the day ALL of us will really only miss what we never had, a good and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. I hope she is finally at peace with herself. As for the rest of us left behind, I hope this is the beginning of a time of healing and learning to be a family again.

There will be no service, no prayers and no closure for the family she spent a lifetime tearing apart. We cannot come together in the end to see to it that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren can say their goodbyes. So I say here for all of us, GOOD BYE, MOM.

MLM

PERSON: Man, I am so glad we finally got a chance to get together! I have been wanting to catch up for, well, forever!

ME: Yeah, it’s really good to see you. It’s been, what, ten years or something like that?

PERSON: Something like that! Man, you look great! I am so happy to see that everything is going so well for you!

ME: You too.

PERSON: We had some sweet times at Tech, huh? Remember J-Pats?!!?

ME: Yeah, that was always my favorite bar. So how are things?

PERSON: Man, they seriously couldn’t be better! I’m the happiest I have ever been in my life! I’m making sick amounts of money and living the dream. [RED FLAG #1] But that’s not what is most important, it’s that I get to work with such kickass people and help motivate friends and help keep them healthy and to go after their dreams. [RED FLAG #2]

ME: Cool. So, what do you do?

PERSON: It’s funny you should ask, T! Here. (gets out a brochure) [RED FLAG #3] I am part of a family, not a company, a family that is gonna change the world, and we are! (RED FLAG #4) We provide direct health solutions to private consumers nationwide. [RED FLAG #5] We make it possible to unlock the American dream and provide health and wealth to anybody and everybody. [RED FLAG #6] I am responsible for the financial facilitation to help other build dreams! [RED FLAG #7]

ME: Neat. Did you know Anna Nicole is dead?

PERSON: T, I have always thought you’re a great guy and you deserve nothing but the best! [RED FLAG #8] You should be able to retire when you’re 40 and buy an island or own your own jet. [RED FLAG #9] I have an opportunity for you that will change your life! [RED FLAG #10]

ME: Oh really?

PERSON: Yes! How many friends do you have??!? [RED FLAG #11]

ME: Nine.

PERSON: See, now if you buy on and get 5 friends and they all get 5 friends and each person sells makes their quota each month, you’ll be a millionaire by dinner. [RED FLAG #12]

ME: So, what is it we are selling?

PERSON: I like that, you said ‘we’! You’re gonna be part of the family! Water filters and vitamins.

(waiter comes by)

ME: I’ll have another Budweiser and a double shot of anything, and a tequila chaser. And a broken bottle that can sever my wrist. And the check. Thanks.

- - - - - - - - - -

Does any of this sound familiar? No? Allow me. This is the regurgitated refried beans, peanuts and corn that comes out of your good friend that you had a class with freshman year in college that you haven’t thought about since ever . . . THE MULTI-LEVEL MARKETER. It’s a nice pile of crap that comes along with a pistol whip to the face and a side of olive loaf.

The MLM person is a snake. This specimen is the curly pubic hair clinging for dear life to the side of the urinal cake. They are all the same . . . they will contact you of the blue, throw some confetti in your face topped with promises of wealth beyond your wildest dreams. Nine times out of ten it is someone you know who will say they want to “catch up” and then will quickly turn the conversation towards a totally kickass opportunity. I have known many, many people who have been duped by the MLM toilet bug. Most of the time it is to sell something like vitamins or water filters, . . . but from time to time it is for something much more life changing like a set of knives, cleaning products or a time share.

Following are a list of warning signs of the mysterious MLM:

- Ridiculously enthusiastic about everything

- Use of fancy words like “facilitation”, “direct”, “networking” and “monumental”

- Group meetings in Starbucks

- You barely remember the dipshit from college

- Twice divorced

- Messy car with random boxes and papers everywhere

- Dirty fingernails

- Impossible to clearly answer any question

- Annoying and creepy talk about your family and friends

- Talk about buying mansions and planes and boats and shit peppered throughout the pitch

- Previous comment yet still live in one bedroom apartment on McCallum in Dallas

- Talk about starting a charity and giving back

- Pre-paid cell phone

- Talk of awesome and fun seminars that are out by the airport

- Still working at Chili’s just because it’s fun

- Referring to you as an “investor”

- Makes you want to drink a bottle of Clorox

Protect yourselves, friends. I love you all.

Tyler